The Edge of Harder Times

Don't you hate those awkward circumstances in relationships that just drag out for what seems like forever? The sort of thing that no one wants to talk about or deal with until it reaches the point of being a hundred-pound burden on your back. And all the while you're trying to pretend like it's not there when it so clearly is.

Something like that had been on my back for a while, a burden caused by a rift widening between me and one of my dearest friends. We'd gone on hanging out and joking around all the time, doing everything except talking about that one matter that I felt was tearing us apart behind the scenes. But I finally managed to force myself to bring it out into the open and clear the air. And that helped. Immensely. It felt good to just lay it all out and, for one moment, forget about any awkwardness or inhibitions; to just be real and honest even if it meant being vulnerable to embarrassment or criticism.

Finally opening up after a year of dreading the day, I was ready to brace myself for the worst because I felt that my friend had every right to be offended or angry at me; or at the least, severely disappointed. Instead, I found myself comforted and enlightened by sympathetic and poignant advice that really helped me gain some clearer perspective on my troubles and our friendship. I felt very humiliated by the whole thing and I could barely bring myself at anytime to meet my eyes with my friend. But by the time it was all over, I felt like I could have gone on pouring out my heart for another ten hours just to hear what my friend had to say.

Looking back, I wish I would have taken the time to pray together afterward instead of just saying bye and taking off. I'd been hearing sound Spirit-conscientious advice all night; why not assure ourselves by consummating with God? I can only hope there'll be another opportunity to return to finish that night so I can go through it the right way.

The reason I'm writing about that night (if only hazily) is simply a reminder to myself: that no matter how difficult or awkward or full of doubt something may seem, it's worse to let it continue out of sight as it silently smothers me than to lay it bare and face a humbling exposure so that I might be forced toward betterment. Even if that specific situation does not itself end on a positive note, I'll have done something positive for my own soul's sake.

Don't live life letting things go unresolved. Talk about it. Be held accountable. It's for the better. And hey, if you have something you've been wanting to say to me, whether about me or you, then say it, please.

And a big, heartfelt thank you to my dear friend who has always been so kind and patient with me even though I'm such a jackass and a damned fool. Don't let us get to the point where, as Tift Merritt sang, "Is it just now that we are leaving, is it the edge of harder times; that makes what never satisfied me look lovely and fine?" I need more of you in my life. Most of the time I feel like you're all I've got to get by. But most of the time I feel like you're all I need to get by.