Thursday, October 13, 2005

Black Girl Pain

I switched on my iPod and let the songs file in that day by way of the player's shuffle feature: a little Marvin Gaye, Radiohead, some classic Louis Armstrong, Duran Duran... It all started a bit innocuously and curiously devoid of my genre most beloved - hip-hop.

Then it came: a little girl singing what sounded like a schoolyard rhyme... I'd never heard this song before. Before I could check my player's Now Playing menu, a familiar voice started: Talib Kweli, a champion of the hip-hop underground. Odd. How could I have passed over a song by one of my favorite rappers? A quick check let me know that it was a song off his album The Beautiful Struggle which came out last year and hadn't reached the top of my queue for in-depth listening thanks to a preponderance of older albums awaiting my critique.

"Black Girl Pain" - the title and the topic of the song.

Teach her what black is, the fact is her parents are thorough / She four, reading Cornrows by Camille Yarborough / I keep her hair braided, bought her a black Barbie / I keep her mind free, she ain't no black zombie / This is for Aisha / This is for Kashera / This is for Khadijah / Scared to look up in the mirror / I see the picture clearer through the stain on the frame / She got a black girl name, she livin' black girl pain

Before I could let that sink in further, another voice began the second verse. Jean Grae's on this track? Huh... Yeah, that does make sense. A black woman would be needed to bring weight and real truth to this statement, and Jean is the best female rapper on the scene, bar none.

The strength of mommy's backbone / The length of which she went for raising, sacrificing her own / The pain of not reflecting the range of our complexions / For rubber pellet scars on Auntie Elna's back I march / Fist raised / Caramel shining in all our glory / For Mauritius, St. Helena / My blood is a million stories

I felt that; I understood even though I was ostensibly about as disparate from her as possible.

The following morning, I headed to the Dream Center in Los Angeles for volunteer work. I and others from my church were bussed to a park centered in the projects of Watts, where we handed out food and clothes to needy people in the area. After five minutes, there were no more foods or clothes to hand out nor anymore responsibilities, but the bus wouldn't return to pick us up until a couple hours later.

There were plenty of neighborhood kids running around the park, so we headed to the playground to pass the time. Most of the kids - around the ages of 4 to 9 - preferred the swings and asked us to push them for the entirety of our time there. Kids are always a joy, no doubt, but there was the vexing feeling that our time was wasted that day. I thought I'd be going around handing out food and clothes person-to-person, doing cleanup of the neighborhood, giving my time and effort in a tangibly rewarding way; anything but just aimlessly hanging out with a bunch of little kids.

With what I perceived to be a lack of structure and instruction from the Dream Center, I found myself a bit frustrated as the bus returned to pick us up. The kids climbed onboard, too, so that the bus could bring them to a nearby church for the afternoon. The kids, being kids, were abundantly loud and rowdy as they packed in, three to a seat. But as the bus cruised down the freeway, the noise generally subsided and the kids settled down.

That was when I saw her: a little girl, a couple rows up on the opposite side of the bus, sitting on the edge of her seat facing the aisle. I recognized her as one of the kids who had begged me incessantly to push her swing, always giving me the most exact orders on how to do my job, screaming delightedly as I launched her higher and higher. But now here she was just staring vacantly through a window pane of the bus.

The impact of the words from Talib and Jean impressed upon me a profound sense of relation to this girl now. Was she looking at her own reflection in the window? When I gazed upon her, I took her reticence for sadness and I sympathized. But as I looked deeper into her eyes, as I allowed that face to linger in my view, I understood what her expression truly was: it was the look of adulthood.

This was a girl seven years old and yet I saw in her eyes the wisdom and sorrow of a woman who had been worn down by decades. In that moment, I understood why God had placed me that day in a playground in a park in Watts to push this little black girl's swing. I helped her to be a kid again. The innocence of naïveté was hers once more. For those couple hours, she was free to fly on that swing. Whatever worries, troubles, hardships she has to endure, whatever things make her frustrated, make her insecure, make her cry, make her grow up too fast; those things weren't there at the playground.

For Winnie, for Joan, and for Edie / For Norma, Leslie, Ndidi / For Auntie Betty, for Melanie, all the same family / Fiona, Jo Burg / Complex of mixed girls / For surviving through every lie they put into us / Now this world's yours and I swear I will stand focused / Black girls, raise up your hands / The world should clap for us

As the bus pulled up next to the church and the kids jumped off, I sat there watching her walk away. Too often, we box ourselves into distinct and separate societies. It's the easy and natural thing, but we do so at the absence of empathy and fellowship with those perceived as different from us. We forget the commonality we share: we are not only white, black, brown, yellow; we are not only lower, middle, upper class; we are all God's creation, God's children, recipients of His love and salvation with none excluded; we experience the same griefs, we experience the same joys. We all need the same supports in life: recognition, encouragement, guidance, kindness, love.

Did that 7-year-old black girl care that I was a 24-year-old Asian man? All she knew was that she wanted me there with her. I wish I had shown her that I wanted to be there with her, too. I'll never see her again, but I pray that she finds more blessings in her life than she can count.

My mama said life would be this hard / Growing up days as a black girl scarred / In every way though, you've come so far / But they just know the name, they don't know the pain / So please hold your head up high / Don't be ashamed of yourself / Know I will carry you forth till the day I die / 'Cause they just know the name, they don't know the pain


29 Comments:

At 10/14/2005 04:38:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous remarked...

wow. that was really good! it's amazing how God can use even something as simple as a song to teach u a lesson. i guess it was worth spending 2 hours writing this hahah. good job jez! [i hope i didn't boost your conceitedness hhaha jk]

 
At 11/12/2005 10:18:00 PM, Blogger Scarletizm remarked...

Yea... I got that Talib Album right when it came out. I was in anticipation. I went to the stores like 4 times for it because the date had changed or either I was being dislexic (sp?) again.

Yea but that song is pretty good I would have liked it better without the kids personally. But on that album I loved the song... dammit I can't think of the title to it but it's like right before or after the 'black girl pain'.

I was checking out your myspace by the way too. Mine is http://myspace.com/scarletizm but its sole purpose is to have people read my blog. I deleted my previous myspace because I wasn't feeling the myspace seen and it's hype nor its popularity. And plus I found no purpose. But now that I have a blog it serves a well purpuse of letting people know I've updated. chyea! I'm loving your blog tho!

You have a good taste for music. Even though I don't understand everyone's hype over Jean Grae, I do love one song by her though... "Love Song".

 
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